Forgive! Don’t Be Bitter.

I remember how messed up I was back in 2011, living day by day thinking death was right around the corner. Seven years after war and it felt like I was stuck in hell. One moment I’d be fighting in a cemetery taking mortar rounds, the next moment I’m driving to work with chronic back pain speeding through traffic having flashbacks. Some days I just called into work because I was, quite frankly, scared to open the door because it might blow up.

In those dark moments my mind led me to believe that nothing in life was real. For some reason I believed that I had died back in Iraq and that I was in hell. That’s the reason that suicide was constantly running through my head.

“You’re never getting better, just let go of the steering wheel and it’ll all be over.”

I hated the military for making me this way. I hated my parents for how I was raised. I wanted to seriously hurt my ex-step-father for the years of abuse he put me through. He once beat me so hard, an ink pen somehow got stabbed through my ankle. I had this overwhelming urge to kill because of the random flashbacks I was pushed and pulled from.

I wouldn’t sleep for days at a time. I was used to it you know, from the 24-48 hours duties in the Army. I wished I was back in the Army in Iraq fighting on the front line again so I could feel normal, Someone important again.

My anger turned into bitterness which always led me back to suicidal thoughts, descending down a dark path.

I’m lucky that I found Jesus Christ or I would have followed through with something I could never come back from. I was saved by the scriptures I read day in and day out. The subject of bitterness  is all throughout the bible and the answer to finding peace is so simple, but so hard to grasp.


“For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” Matthew 6: 14-15 ESV

As soon as I softened my heart to the people that hurt me the most and tried my best to move on, life started getting better. I started talking to loved ones again and I served in my church as much as I could. I started slowly remembering the person I was before the war.god is salvation

Things didn’t miraculously change in a week or even a month. I had to learn how to live with my pain as well as my PTSD symptoms. Since I started actively working on re-building my life in 2014, I’ve become happier with the fact that I’m alive and I have a loving family that gives me support and things to look forward to every day.



23 thoughts on “Forgive! Don’t Be Bitter.

  1. PTSD is such a crippling thing to experience. Thank you for sharing your story and shining a light on just how deep the pain can be. I’m so glad to hear you’ve begun your healing process. Wishing you all the best.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes, Jesus holds us in the palm of his hand (if we let him). I never feel more at peace than when I’m praying in bed at night. I have to remind myself that I can feel that in the day too…when I’m upset, stressed or nervous.

    I was just listening to a woman talk today. She’s a friend of the priest (Lebanese) at the church I attend. She grew up in Rwanda and went through that horrible genocide. She experienced horrible things not the worst of which was having to hide under the dead to avoid being killed herself. She talked a lot about forgiveness and the role Jesus had in holding her and moving her to a better place.

    It seems that forgiveness (and it’s role in healing) is a theme today in my life…

    God bless you

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I used to think forgiveness was a one-step deal. I took a class in college called Human Relations though, that changed that mindset. I had to read a book about forgiveness and I realized it may actually be a long process, and it’s not about the other person. Forgiveness is more for the sake of the forgiver, and it’s definitely one of the hardest things to do (in my opinion). I’m glad to hear you’re starting to forgive others, and move on. I know it must not be an easy thing to do.

    Liked by 1 person

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